This Constant Rush

It feels like the hours in my day has shortened. I am always in a rush. In a rush to class, to work, to return home. My frequency of skipping meals and having this constant lack of sleep has really increased. I sleep in the bus on my way to work, and today was the first time I nearly missed my stop. I overslept.

I can’t remember the last time I had a moment to myself. I am constantly surrounded by people, or rather noise. Classmates in the morning, colleagues in the afternoon, roommates in the evening. Not that I have anything against anyone, but there are times where I just want to be left alone. I enjoy my solitude. Not having to think about anyone else, just me and the quiet. There are days I want to divide myself into two. Wait, should it be multiply instead? Well, you get the picture. If there was two of me right now, one would be in the office blogging while the other would be catching up on much needed sleep, and they both would be very happy souls. Instead of cranky, like me.

In sickness and in health

I haven't been well for slightly more than a week now. The only time I have stepped out of the house is visits to the doc. For someone who rarely gets sick, I do not like this at all. I have already thought of investing in a wheelchair when I turn 40, so that I can still roam around and see the world if I ever get diagnosed with an illness that requires bed rest. *Touch wood*

To be honest, the first few days I was sick, it was excruciating for me. I remember falling asleep in between my silent sobs. I hate crying in public y'know? I don't like people seeing me weak. I don't want them to think I am this weak shit who can't handle a little pain. I don't want them to worry for me. The last thing I want to be is a burden to anyone. So I put this facade that I am doing well. That I am fine. I know I can pretend well for those who think they know me. They know I am 'strong'. But sometimes I ask myself, really am I? When I am sick, it takes one person to ask me in an affectionate tone 'Numa, are you okay?' and inside I would already be tearing up. 

I don't know why I am like this. I wasn't like this growing up. I was a cry baby during my childhood. I tell my friends, 'Listen, theres no shame is crying.' There is no shame in being vulnerable, is there? Its not that I don't, I cry too. But to myself. The only person I am fully comfortable enough to show my weaknesses and let my guard down is my sister. The one person I can go bawling my eyes out. Other than her, no one can see me weak. No one.

Thankfully, my Mom is here and is taking excellent care of me. She brings me food when I want, cooks whatever I want to eat. You know my Mom and me, we have a very non mush mush relationship. I can't recall the last time I said I love you to my Mom, or rather if I have ever said it at all. It hit me during this past week. I can be 24 or 64, but I guess I will always be 4 to her. I look at the way she has been caring for me and she has done it without a single complaint. It just makes me so damn emotional. I got tears in my eyes. Damn it.No one can beat the care of a Mother. Not your bestfriends, not your boyfriend and maybe not even my sister for that matter. Maybe this is just our way of saying we love each other. This is our love language. 

In sick and in health.