1: 7 billion

Some days I feel the concept of being with one person forever contradicts the fact that we live in a population of seven billion people. You never know who else you could connect with besides your significant other can you? We live in a generation where real and immediate connection is so rare that when you finally find it, we refuse to let it go. Is this why people cheat? I have seen and heard of numerous cases where someone is attracted to another while in a healthy relationship, at least at one point in their relationship. This is the part where my belief in love and loyalty just plummets to negative. It scares the shit out of me that this could happen to me too. Am I the only one who feels this way?

Expecations.

To be honest, I am so tired of not being able to meet expectations. I feel misunderstood alot of the times and it is tiring to constantly explain myself. I feel like every time I put myself out there, it is just not enough for people. When I say people, I mean kin not just random strangers. I find myself constantly looking for an escape, be it in travelling, going home or a person. What sucks is these are just temporary, after a while it is back to that cycle of emotions that I go through. I wish I was the kind of person who didn't give a rat's ass about what others thought of me. This is one quality I envy about my sister. I try to be this tough cookie, this bad ass, but deep down I am really just a softy. It bothers me so much when I know I am hurting someone else. What bothers me even more is, I know I have not made any mistake but I see them hurt and I just can't see them like that. I wish they would just understand what I am going through...

Hello 2018.

2017 is over, finally.

If there is one person who is glad that twenty seventeen is over, it is me. Man, it was a tough one.. I don’t know if I should go on and write about it, cuss who writes about sad stuff right? Well... one of my resolutions this year is to not give a fuck, so here goes.

The one thing that got me most is I fell ill alot this year. I can't remember the last time I have been without medication. It started with Typhiod around April. I was broken when I was diagnosed then. My exams were so close and I had been preparing for it diligently. It felt like my chances were being taken away right in front of me and I was just there, helpless. Gradually I recovered and was barely able to be present for the exams.

I headed back to Nepal for a break. Right after I came back, I fell ill again. This time it was Viral fever. I missed a week from work and classes. I had to take medicines again and got better. That same routine.

That wasn't it though. This time it was my skin. I started to get all these tiny bumps on my face and neck. I was a lost cause, I simply couldn't understand what was happening to my health. It got worst. I would wake up to a new zit everyday, I had boils on my face. People would ask me 'Numa, what happened?' squirming. Growing up, I never really had acne or any such problems and it got so bad to a point that I couldn't even look myself in the mirror. After some research, I visited a dermatologist. He prescribed me medicines. I looked at him and just broke down. I had enough, I was just fucking sick of taking all these pills. I was frustrated at the on going health problems. It was around October by then.

Around late November, I cried myself to sleep as I was scared about my body and health. Choosing not to get into detail, as you get th idea by now when I say I had a rough one. Of the three children, I am th one who falls sick th least. It felt 2017 was an absolute mockery, almost as if it was 'making up' for all th years I thought I was a healthy child.

Being ill not only meant extra expenses on medications, but I also missed out a lot on classes/work. On top of that, my class schedule also haywire as I had to retake them due to th change in syllabus. This meant a huge waste of my time and money. Anyone who is doing CA can vouch that time is of utmost importance to us.

Th last few days of 2017 were my visit to home. It was th one thing that I was in desperate need of. I didn't feel at home in Delhi. I felt alone. I wanted to run away, be far from negative energy. I wanted to forget I was Numa Kandangwa and th unhappiness she was engulfed with. I spent time with my friends and family there. Home was th perfect escape, perfect ending to 2017.

It is funny how we have this notion that a new year means a new beginning and things are going to be all right again. 2017 has really taught me that one can never be ready for adversities. They come unannounced and in unpredictable moments. This brings me to my 'resolution' 2018. We can't run, we can't hide so th next best thing to do would be to just breath and not give a fuck about anything.

Cheers.