2018, you wont be missed. Its a wrap.

Walking in to the new year feels positive. You know theres just something about beginnings that feels this way.

2018 was a pretty weird year for me. There were countless moments where I felt lost and confused. Sad even. The ratio of highs to lows in my life was anything close to proportional. It took me a while to actually realise that I deserve better. The older I grow, the more I don't understand what is right and what is wrong anymore. Multiple things that I felt were absolutely wrong do not seem as wrong. Its not always black or white, we are all different. I am definitely learning to be less judgmental and accept people and life as it is.

I want to be emotionally stronger this year on wards. Yes, emphasis on the word emotionally. To be able to deal with being all by myself, to not seek validation from anyone anymore, to just be enough for myself. I want to take life as it comes. I tried too hard to escape it all last year and I am tired of running away. I am going to focus on myself, most importantly on my career. I have always believed in 'Beauty with brains' and I know I am so much more than just a face. My hopes and dreams. I need to remember why I came here and keep my eyes on the prize.

I hope the worst is over and may this bring more clarity and the focus that I need in my life.

2019, please be kind. To all of us.

& from all of us, Welcome 2019!

1: 7 billion

Some days I feel the concept of being with one person forever contradicts the fact that we live in a population of seven billion people. You never know who else you could connect with besides your significant other can you? We live in a generation where real and immediate connection is so rare that when you finally find it, we refuse to let it go. Is this why people cheat? I have seen and heard of numerous cases where someone is attracted to another while in a healthy relationship, at least at one point in their relationship. This is the part where my belief in love and loyalty just plummets to negative. It scares the shit out of me that this could happen to me too. Am I the only one who feels this way?

Expecations.

To be honest, I am so tired of not being able to meet expectations. I feel misunderstood alot of the times and it is tiring to constantly explain myself. I feel like every time I put myself out there, it is just not enough for people. When I say people, I mean kin not just random strangers. I find myself constantly looking for an escape, be it in travelling, going home or a person. What sucks is these are just temporary, after a while it is back to that cycle of emotions that I go through. I wish I was the kind of person who didn't give a rat's ass about what others thought of me. This is one quality I envy about my sister. I try to be this tough cookie, this bad ass, but deep down I am really just a softy. It bothers me so much when I know I am hurting someone else. What bothers me even more is, I know I have not made any mistake but I see them hurt and I just can't see them like that. I wish they would just understand what I am going through...

Hello 2018.

2017 is over, finally.

If there is one person who is glad that twenty seventeen is over, it is me. Man, it was a tough one.. I don’t know if I should go on and write about it, cuss who writes about sad stuff right? Well... one of my resolutions this year is to not give a fuck, so here goes.

The one thing that got me most is I fell ill alot this year. I can't remember the last time I have been without medication. It started with Typhiod around April. I was broken when I was diagnosed then. My exams were so close and I had been preparing for it diligently. It felt like my chances were being taken away right in front of me and I was just there, helpless. Gradually I recovered and was barely able to be present for the exams.

I headed back to Nepal for a break. Right after I came back, I fell ill again. This time it was Viral fever. I missed a week from work and classes. I had to take medicines again and got better. That same routine.

That wasn't it though. This time it was my skin. I started to get all these tiny bumps on my face and neck. I was a lost cause, I simply couldn't understand what was happening to my health. It got worst. I would wake up to a new zit everyday, I had boils on my face. People would ask me 'Numa, what happened?' squirming. Growing up, I never really had acne or any such problems and it got so bad to a point that I couldn't even look myself in the mirror. After some research, I visited a dermatologist. He prescribed me medicines. I looked at him and just broke down. I had enough, I was just fucking sick of taking all these pills. I was frustrated at the on going health problems. It was around October by then.

Around late November, I cried myself to sleep as I was scared about my body and health. Choosing not to get into detail, as you get th idea by now when I say I had a rough one. Of the three children, I am th one who falls sick th least. It felt 2017 was an absolute mockery, almost as if it was 'making up' for all th years I thought I was a healthy child.

Being ill not only meant extra expenses on medications, but I also missed out a lot on classes/work. On top of that, my class schedule also haywire as I had to retake them due to th change in syllabus. This meant a huge waste of my time and money. Anyone who is doing CA can vouch that time is of utmost importance to us.

Th last few days of 2017 were my visit to home. It was th one thing that I was in desperate need of. I didn't feel at home in Delhi. I felt alone. I wanted to run away, be far from negative energy. I wanted to forget I was Numa Kandangwa and th unhappiness she was engulfed with. I spent time with my friends and family there. Home was th perfect escape, perfect ending to 2017.

It is funny how we have this notion that a new year means a new beginning and things are going to be all right again. 2017 has really taught me that one can never be ready for adversities. They come unannounced and in unpredictable moments. This brings me to my 'resolution' 2018. We can't run, we can't hide so th next best thing to do would be to just breath and not give a fuck about anything.

Cheers.

6 days...

It should be the 6th day today.

6 days of May but also, 6 days of wallowing in the excruciating headaches, regurgitating after every meal and having multiple meds daily. I always thought to myself wow, I am really lucky. I haven't caught a major illness even being away from home for this many years. Now was the time, my time. Damn it, I have been diagnosed with Typhoid and as a bonus, multiple infections in my other organs.

It sucks even more because I had been behaving. I hadn't taken one step outside our flat, eating home cooked food, studying at my pace. This isn't like me on the norm. Sigh it makes me sad when I think about it. Like this pretty much happens to me my whole life. Me being careful about a thing is directly proportional to that same thing slamming a big 'Take that Numa, you can't outrun me!' on my face. God it irritates me so much. Ugh.

One thing that surprised me was th overwhelming concern I received during this period. I get a 'Numa, getting better?' text on th daily. I was starting to think I am popular. Kidding, haha If you are an abroad student away from your family, I swear friends are all you got man. I can vouch this for all abroad students. So if your Mom calls you up and be like 'Stop always going out with your friends and stay home', do not listen to her. Because it is these friends who will pick you up when you fall sick. Mom can't catch an immediate flight, can she? Thats right, priorities.

Why am I hella sarcastic today?

Hello 2017.

We are twenty days into the new year. Damn, it feels like New Years Eve was just yesterday. Felt that bittersweet feeling as 2016 came to an end.  2016 was a good year for me. It opened my eyes to travelling and Manali was the perfect trigger. Next place I went to was Rishikesh, I will never forget euphoric feeling of swimming in the cold rivers during the excruciating summer of India. Mussorie was a bummer though, the weather was not our side. Nevertheless, three places in a year? I did not see this coming.

Last year I also got audit assignments of three different companies of various service industries. Took me a while, but I learnt that you have to voice out your opinions to your boss no matter how uncomfortable or nervous it makes you feel. I was so sick of doing the same type of work till one day I finally told my boss I’ve had it. It was then when I got allocated a different project. I feel more comfortable at office as compared to a year ago. Another plus point is, my Hindi has significantly improved. Everybody around me has noticed that. Like was I that bad before? Haha.

You know how they say love comes to you when you least expect it? Truly enough, I found love right under my nose. It was in front of me this entire time. Guys, I was talking about food. Haha, just kidding. It took me years to get to this point. I was so guarded and I had given up on boys. I pushed everyone away one too many times but he? He was always patient. Eventually, I gave in to my emotions. I am a human and human hearts melt when it receives constant affection. It was then when I realized I still have a heart.

2017 on the other hand, I feel is going to be a pretty rough year for me. With classes and work, in addition to being a senior in office, there is going to be more responsibilities. I won’t get much time for myself but the holiday calendar looks pretty promising, and it is my ray of hope for more travelling this year.

I was planning to post this on the last day of 2016, but procrastination is an evil I tell you. Bad start, Numa. Bad start.

This Constant Rush

It feels like the hours in my day has shortened. I am always in a rush. In a rush to class, to work, to return home. My frequency of skipping meals and having this constant lack of sleep has really increased. I sleep in the bus on my way to work, and today was the first time I nearly missed my stop. I overslept.

I can’t remember the last time I had a moment to myself. I am constantly surrounded by people, or rather noise. Classmates in the morning, colleagues in the afternoon, roommates in the evening. Not that I have anything against anyone, but there are times where I just want to be left alone. I enjoy my solitude. Not having to think about anyone else, just me and the quiet. There are days I want to divide myself into two. Wait, should it be multiply instead? Well, you get the picture. If there was two of me right now, one would be in the office blogging while the other would be catching up on much needed sleep, and they both would be very happy souls. Instead of cranky, like me.

In sickness and in health

I haven't been well for slightly more than a week now. The only time I have stepped out of the house is visits to the doc. For someone who rarely gets sick, I do not like this at all. I have already thought of investing in a wheelchair when I turn 40, so that I can still roam around and see the world if I ever get diagnosed with an illness that requires bed rest. *Touch wood*

To be honest, the first few days I was sick, it was excruciating for me. I remember falling asleep in between my silent sobs. I hate crying in public y'know? I don't like people seeing me weak. I don't want them to think I am this weak shit who can't handle a little pain. I don't want them to worry for me. The last thing I want to be is a burden to anyone. So I put this facade that I am doing well. That I am fine. I know I can pretend well for those who think they know me. They know I am 'strong'. But sometimes I ask myself, really am I? When I am sick, it takes one person to ask me in an affectionate tone 'Numa, are you okay?' and inside I would already be tearing up. 

I don't know why I am like this. I wasn't like this growing up. I was a cry baby during my childhood. I tell my friends, 'Listen, theres no shame is crying.' There is no shame in being vulnerable, is there? Its not that I don't, I cry too. But to myself. The only person I am fully comfortable enough to show my weaknesses and let my guard down is my sister. The one person I can go bawling my eyes out. Other than her, no one can see me weak. No one.

Thankfully, my Mom is here and is taking excellent care of me. She brings me food when I want, cooks whatever I want to eat. You know my Mom and me, we have a very non mush mush relationship. I can't recall the last time I said I love you to my Mom, or rather if I have ever said it at all. It hit me during this past week. I can be 24 or 64, but I guess I will always be 4 to her. I look at the way she has been caring for me and she has done it without a single complaint. It just makes me so damn emotional. I got tears in my eyes. Damn it.No one can beat the care of a Mother. Not your bestfriends, not your boyfriend and maybe not even my sister for that matter. Maybe this is just our way of saying we love each other. This is our love language. 

In sick and in health.

Angry rant.

One emotion that I really dislike is being angry. It brings out th worst in people. You've heard of the saying 'I was blinded by rage'. I think that is fuckinggg bull. How is that even possible? Not in my books.

See the thing is, I am someone who doesn’t really get angry, at most I might get annoyed or hangry* but that is about it. I am a Libra and I have read too many times that Librans are the least sign to get angry, unless you fucking screw up. I guess it is true in my case. The first thing I do when I get angry is to shut down. If I am silent, yes that is probably a sign. Y’know why? Because it scares me I might blurt out something really hurtful during that rush of emotions. This is why I fucking hate it when someone says ‘Oh I am sorry, I didn’t mean that. I said it because I was angry.’ Wow, really? Fuck you. The damage has been done. It’s like if criminals said that, would it justify all th wrong things they did? As convenient as it may seem, just cuss you are mad it doesn’t give you any right to be mean. PERIOD. Why. don’t. people. get. that? It is really that simple.

Another reason why I don’t like getting angry is because, I cry when I am mad. My voice will start cracking up, I will start tearing up right away. And I hate crying in public. It’s like when there’s people in front of me, I can be crying a river inside but I’d still behave normally. There had been occasions where I cried my eyeballs out in my flat, but none of my flatmates ever found out. I’d rather suppress and kill myself a bit than to let anyone see me cry. Yes, that’s how I detest crying in public.

Yesterday I got legit pissed after the longesttttt time. Fuck, I even raised my voice. Something which I rarely do nor like doing. No, I am not guilty for being mad. My reasons were sufficiently valid. It just goes to show how being angry brings out this nasty side of you and it makes me sad. If I had it my way, I wish no one pissed me off nor would I make anyone angry. Random thought though, if no one got mad at one another, how would that be like? Could the past three world wars have been avoided? Or would my parents have not grounded me and let me go to that party I really wanted to go to see my crush when I was 16? Maybe, just maybe.

Thank you reading! :)

*Hangry - so hungry to the point the point you get angry.

Tbh.

If I were to be honest with myself, the pages of my journal would be filled you.

The things you said, the songs you sang.

If I were to be honest with myself, I'd lose count of the number of times I thought of you.

First thing on my mind when I wake up, last thing before I go to bed and in between.

9 to 5, Monday to Friday.

So its near the end of May, and it is only my second post of 2016. Shame on you, Numa! Tbh, I had made it one of my new years resolution to blog more often. Well its just that I haven't had th blogging mood in a long time and I prefer not to put a post up just for th sake of posting. I don't really like it when I have to think hard about what to type next, as compared to the natural flow of words. It's a writer's thing. *flips hair* Kidding.

Work has resumed and it takes around an hour to one and a half hour for me to reach work. Usually you'll find me plugged to my earphones, head bobbin' up and down, mentally crushing the choreography of a Beyonce song. Along w that, travelling to and fro from home and office gives me a lot of time to think and reflect. A lot.

I observe all walks of life who are trapped in this 9-5 cycle. Yes you saw it right, I said 'trapped'. This is because I wonder how many of these people are truly and genuinely happy with their jobs. Are they really following their passions? Eventually after a brief judgement, it gets me thinking to where I am. See the one time I look forward to at work is... 6 PM*. The time when work ends, the time when I feel free again, the time of the day when I return to my place of solace. Isn't it ironic? Heading to work, just so you spend the entire day looking at the clock to return home? It got me thinking man. Deep shit and stuff. I wonder if I am made for this 9-5 life. Is this really passion? Or could it just be th engulfing waves of negativity and office politics that demotivates one?

Believe me when I say, at the age of 14, I had decided and was sure of pursuing accounts/finance. This was the reason that brought me to CA. I was driven initially, I did well. Initially being the key word here. Is it possible that maybe what you thought was your 'passion' isn't really it? Is it possible for that fire to extinguish as time passes? Can someone not have a passion after all? Many a times, I wonder what the fuck am I doing here in this hot as fuck place. Guys, its the heat making me swear and all. When th maximum temperature goes as high as 44-46 degree Celsius, a part of your brain is bound to get fucked up. Bear with me. 

Now in my defense. This is where the other half of my heart comes in. Even though I sulk and be this cranky ass beech at times, I have always, always believed in putting your 100% into what you put your heart into. Once you start something, complete it. Cuss if you didn't have enough faith in yourself to start something, you'd never have started in the first place. Faith is intense guys, it can take you places. I realised this when I participated in a pageant Miss Mongol. Forever grateful for this life lesson I picked up on.

I guess it could also be an OCD thing for me. *hides face* I do not like to leave things hanging y'know. Don't you get that nibbling feeling of anxiety knowing that you have some unfinished business? I DO. I rather complete that, and then move forward. Recently while studying for my examinations, I experienced this. I started a topic I hated, and it took me longer than usual to complete that chapter. It left me feeling pissed th entire day but eventually I finished it. Finished off that madafakka. *dusts hand, blows her gun* I can't help but put that in, I feel so badass. Hahaha.

Having said that, I am still in this journey. Never been a quitter and there is no reason for me to start now. I feel like I am re-discovering myself time and again. I ponder a lot about life, the future. Am I on the right track? Will I make it through? But these questions just remain questions. Life never gives us an immediate answer. Gradually maybe, but never instantaneously. Till then, one can only learn to enjoy their journey. Through the good and the bad.

Goodnight. And thank you reading! :)


*6pm- My office timings are 1030 to 6pm. I used 9-5 cuss well.. it is the standard working timings.

The Heart vs The Mind.

My life has been a constant battle between the heart and mind. I am what you call a typical Libran i.e indecisive af. The simplest of tasks can send me to a whirlwind of dilemmas. "Should I wash my hair today or tomorrow?", "Should I have tea or dinner?", "Hmmm... will this shirt match with the rest of the clothes I have in my closet?" You get th picture. It is a daunting task for me to decide between my two vital organs. There are times where I literally write up a list of pros and cons, in hopes of getting closer to a decision. Quite often, I find myself feeling envious of people who can make up their minds in the speed of light. Like how do y'all do thattttt?! Well, most times the answer would be to 'follow your heart'.

Okay be honest, that was cliché af innit? But it got me thinking and I guess that is where the problem lies. I am someone who uses her mind more than her heart. I believe in practicality, I believe in planning and I believe in consequences. It can’t be just me who gets off being prepared for what’s next, can it? I feel calm and at ease knowing that I have prepared for the next day.

My question is why can’t our hearts and mind be on the same page? I can’t vouch for others, but I experience this a lot. If I go with my head, I am choosing logic. I am going for what is right. However if I go with my heart, I am choosing happiness. This is what I want and not need. For example: You fall for someone who is loyal and sweet and all that you want in your partner. But if there is no future with this person, would you want to continue the relationship you have with him? You might be crazy Romeo-Juliet kinda in love with this guy and you’re engulfed with euphoria when he’s around. Think about this once, till when is this happiness going to last?

I think about this a lot, constantly searching for solutions like it is a mathematics problem. What would be the right thing to do? Not this example, but all that we ever come across in life. Is it going to be logic over happiness, need over want? I wish I knew the answers but I am just another soul lost in her thoughts, buried in her own sand of perplexities.

October.

Hiiiiii October! So yes, October is finally here. I enjoy this month. Its my birth month, Nepal's major festivals happen to fall in this month, it's also a month where th weather is just right. Neither cold nor hot, just cool breezes. Work had also been a pain in th ass all thru September with all th statutory due dates in that month. Man, the work load. It would be 9pm by th time I returned home. Lastly, I have th first four days of this month off from work. So yea, that is th list of why I am rather elated its October.

Life's has been pretty mundane lately. It is the same routine of wake up- work- home- dinner- struggle to study- give up- sleep. 5 weeks have already passed since I started work and to be honest, I feel out of place thr. It puzzles me because I've never had a problem with meeting new people and just adjusting to new environment. Sure I'd rather stay in my comfort zone anyday, but I know if I have to step out of it, I will. I don't know why but I feel like I just don't belong thr man, y'know? Heck. I hope as time passes, I'll grow to feel comfortable and actually enjoy going to work.

Good day, y'all!

Back to reality.

So I am back in Delhi. I had such a wonderful vacation this time. Well... I didn't really do anything productive. It was more of catching up with old friends. The simple joys of meeting up, catching up and just talking about all th things that we've missed on each others years. The comfort level is still there, the same inside jokes and it gives me this warm feeling. That familiarity.

Being away from home and all alone, returning here always reminds me its back to reality. A long and winding road ahead of me. It reminds of th journey that I still have yet to complete. I'm a grown up now, I am at that age where I ought to be building my career. Well, that's why I am here. My sole purpose. God give me strength. Its make or break!

Happy.

I felt happy after th longest time. I mean I do feel happy, but this was th kind of happiness that just had me smiling th moment I woke up. Even th gloomy weather didn't get to me. It feels nice to have this burden lifted off my shoulders for a brief moment. Th whole atmosphere at home is joyous and light. Its th kind of happiness that made me tear a bit, and my family too.

I wish time would stop. Lemme enjoy this a little bit more.

Stagnant.

Its tough when you see th world and all you get reminded is of where you'r stuck. Or where you've been stuck fr th past years. Its like one of th scenes of a movie, you'r at a standstill but th rest of th world is on and about. Days and nights pass but you'r rooted to th ground. Numb, scared, miserable. You can feel th confidence you once had slowly being sucked out, like how a sponge easily absorbs water. Th water is your confidence. Gradually you shut th world, no one can see you weak. No one.

It frustrates you having to hear what people has to say, 'You can do this. Don't worry.' Like fuck off already, its annoying. But no, you were just being nice, I'm sorry. Its like you'r soul is divided into two. They bicker constantly. Cats and dogs they say. One is desperately clinging on to th shredded pieces of hope, but a storm approaches. And all you have left is doubt, plunging your self esteem so deep you didn't know existed. They used to be one, but now I wait fr th day they reconcile.

Aren't you suppose to be used to things already? Th stagnancy of your life, that smile you fake, th fear you conceal so well. You've taken a blow before, haven't you? Another time shouldn't hurt. Will we ever be immune to such emotions? Disappointment, melancholy, failure.

I guess not.

21.

The legal age. The indication that you are now, officially an ‘adult’. Twenty-one.

When I was younger there was always this fuss about being ‘legal 21’. I imagined it to be a time where I would be strong, focused and independent. Maybe having a job even? But truth be told, I still feel like that lost and confused 16 year old girl I was five years ago. How can that not change? I mean like its five years gone already.

I don’t have a job. I am still studying my ass off. My parents nagging doesn’t seem to cease. I am not sure about my career. I can spend the whole afternoon just watching television and sleeping. How will I ever be successful?

Now that I am in my twenties, I feel like whatever comes my way I should be able to handle it. Be it being away from my family, heart breaks, facing life changing decisions or anything at all. I mean by now I should have the maturity, wisdom and the ability to take things in stride right? No, it’s not that simple. Reality check! Cuss well, it’s like tensions, stress and decisions on a whole new level. There are numerous moments where I have no idea which way to go. And then there is added pressure cuss if by any chance, I go the wrong direction, I’ll be lucky if I’m pardoned. Well I am no longer that minor who will be excused easily, am I?

Sigh! So much for looking forward to being 21. It gave me nothing but confusion and self doubt which eventually led to… hair loss. 

The unwanted zone, Friendzoned.

So you like this girl. Shes down to earth, pretty, a nice girl and all, and lucky for you, you both talk and have been for sometime. You know that she likes her fries soggy and she has a sweet tooth! You both share stuffs and are comfortable with each other. Friends is the equation you have w her, BUT that's all it will ever be.
Cuss what she also tells you is, when she thinks she likes this other boy. Baam! There you are, just another victim of being 'Friendzoned.' That aches, doesn't it? After all th efforts you put in to woo and impress her, you end up as just one of her "good guy friend." Yes, I have heard my friends complain about this too many times.

Hold on! It might not necessarily all that bad right? I mean after all something is better than nothing. Rather than just wondering if it woulda worked out w her, at least you tried innit? And theres more to being friendzoned than it appears to be. I aint no pro, but lemme enlighten you a little about what goes on in a girl's mind when she decides to put you in her 'Good guy friend' list. (I admit I do this alot. Haha!)

So,
1. She adores you.
Didn't see this one coming eh? Yes, believe it lads! She finds you sweet and funny. She enjoys your company and th comfort level that you guys have is beyond amazing. She likes you alot and if she wishes, it could be one helluva potential relationship.

Look at this image. This is exactly what I mean. She knows if you guys go down the road, you'll be lovers for sure. But thats where th denial comes in. It may be tempting but she's holding back.

Wait. Its not you, its her. There is probably some strong factor thats stopping her from falling any where near love w you and she's dead sure it will never work out w you in th future. Be it age/status/religious/family/health issues or whatever.

So th next best solution? Friendzoned!







2. She just went through a bad break up.

Lets face it. After a break up, we all have that notion "They are all th same". She's in that grieving period and anything close to dating would only cause her barf reflexes to act up. She's just being nice to not ignore you completely and have you as a friend. Again its not you, its her. Give her some time, stay friends w her but drop subtle hints along th way. Be patient w this one. And if it goes according to plan and she lets you in, Don't break her!

3. She's being friendzoned as well.

You talk to her about football, about the chicks you find hot, about how your night went w the boys and all the beers you chugged down. This time, its you boys. Not her. Have you ever thought maybe you'r the one friendzone-ing her? Don't get me wrong though, it is completely fine to tell her everything about you. But if you have something called 'feelings' fr her, why you hidin' dude? How in th world would she have any clue as to what goes in your head. Or heart for that matter. Damn, boys can be ambiguous I tell you. After that, then you can gauge where you stand on her friend-o-meter. Brace yourself.

4. She is clearly not into you.

Th down right obvious! You need a reality check if this never struck you. This one is where no matter how much hints you give her, how flirtatious you are, the number of times you tried to ask this girl out, it's always gonna be a 'No'. I hate to break to you honey, but she's clearly not into you. Atleast not romantically. My advice? Stop all the flirting, and act like a friend. If not you won't even be close to it.

See! I told you. Being friendzoned isn't all that bad is it? Some times its just th circumstances that moulds our thoughts. They might not apply to all of you but I hope it helps you get a better picture of why and how it comes about. Come to think of it, this could be in th case of boys as well. We get put in that zone too y'know! And even if it doesn't work out between you guys, keep em around cuss no one ever said having friends is harmful. Plus they know you inside out and you'll have one more person to count on.

Thanks fr reading y'all! :)

I can't think of a tittle.

I've been feeling cooped up alot lately. Even listening to new tracks doesn't seem to excite me. I listen to it repetitively then I go back to being restless again. Its mainly in th afterrnoon I feel this way. There's something bothering me. That nibbling sensation in my brain, is highly annoying. I long to be alone, maybe go for a run or just walk aimlessly in the streets plugged in to my headphones. But in th place where I am, there's no such thing as alone. It is not safe as they say. I haven't bought anything new fr a really long time now, I've been really fighting my urge to spend. Tryna stay true to one of my resolutions of 2014. And who am I kidding? Its nearing th end of th month, and I am broke. Who isnt right?

So its that kinda day. That restless, no mood to do anything kinda day. And in hopes to pass th time, I turn to writing/blogging. Writing gives me this... sense of relief? Oh that reminds me, I've got to get a new diary. Its like having an invisible companion, where you won't have to fear being judged, where you let go of all ego and just pen down your thoughts. Especially for someone like me, th sort who simply cannot bottle up of her thoughts. I write whenever I feel low or when there's no one to talk to, I know I can always trust the ol' journal of mine. I don't write much when I am back home though, cuss I am constantly surrounded by my people, which means I hardly get alone time nor feel lonesome.

Hmmm, I looked at th clock bearly half an
hour has passed. I reckon this is th most boring post of mine. I know i know, you wished you hadn't just wasted the few mins of your life reading this huh? Well...
TOO BAD, you already did! Hahaha.

My Fort.

I am a builder. I have been constructing for slightly more than a year now. At first it was fun and easy, piling bricks and things one top of one another. But each day, it grew taller. Its so tall, I have stopped seeing light now. I just look after it. Very cautious, ensuring that nothing will blow it down. It does get tiring sometimes. Once I let my guard down, and it wasn't a pretty sight.