The Heart vs The Mind.

My life has been a constant battle between the heart and mind. I am what you call a typical Libran i.e indecisive af. The simplest of tasks can send me to a whirlwind of dilemmas. "Should I wash my hair today or tomorrow?", "Should I have tea or dinner?", "Hmmm... will this shirt match with the rest of the clothes I have in my closet?" You get th picture. It is a daunting task for me to decide between my two vital organs. There are times where I literally write up a list of pros and cons, in hopes of getting closer to a decision. Quite often, I find myself feeling envious of people who can make up their minds in the speed of light. Like how do y'all do thattttt?! Well, most times the answer would be to 'follow your heart'.

Okay be honest, that was cliché af innit? But it got me thinking and I guess that is where the problem lies. I am someone who uses her mind more than her heart. I believe in practicality, I believe in planning and I believe in consequences. It can’t be just me who gets off being prepared for what’s next, can it? I feel calm and at ease knowing that I have prepared for the next day.

My question is why can’t our hearts and mind be on the same page? I can’t vouch for others, but I experience this a lot. If I go with my head, I am choosing logic. I am going for what is right. However if I go with my heart, I am choosing happiness. This is what I want and not need. For example: You fall for someone who is loyal and sweet and all that you want in your partner. But if there is no future with this person, would you want to continue the relationship you have with him? You might be crazy Romeo-Juliet kinda in love with this guy and you’re engulfed with euphoria when he’s around. Think about this once, till when is this happiness going to last?

I think about this a lot, constantly searching for solutions like it is a mathematics problem. What would be the right thing to do? Not this example, but all that we ever come across in life. Is it going to be logic over happiness, need over want? I wish I knew the answers but I am just another soul lost in her thoughts, buried in her own sand of perplexities.

October.

Hiiiiii October! So yes, October is finally here. I enjoy this month. Its my birth month, Nepal's major festivals happen to fall in this month, it's also a month where th weather is just right. Neither cold nor hot, just cool breezes. Work had also been a pain in th ass all thru September with all th statutory due dates in that month. Man, the work load. It would be 9pm by th time I returned home. Lastly, I have th first four days of this month off from work. So yea, that is th list of why I am rather elated its October.

Life's has been pretty mundane lately. It is the same routine of wake up- work- home- dinner- struggle to study- give up- sleep. 5 weeks have already passed since I started work and to be honest, I feel out of place thr. It puzzles me because I've never had a problem with meeting new people and just adjusting to new environment. Sure I'd rather stay in my comfort zone anyday, but I know if I have to step out of it, I will. I don't know why but I feel like I just don't belong thr man, y'know? Heck. I hope as time passes, I'll grow to feel comfortable and actually enjoy going to work.

Good day, y'all!

Back to reality.

So I am back in Delhi. I had such a wonderful vacation this time. Well... I didn't really do anything productive. It was more of catching up with old friends. The simple joys of meeting up, catching up and just talking about all th things that we've missed on each others years. The comfort level is still there, the same inside jokes and it gives me this warm feeling. That familiarity.

Being away from home and all alone, returning here always reminds me its back to reality. A long and winding road ahead of me. It reminds of th journey that I still have yet to complete. I'm a grown up now, I am at that age where I ought to be building my career. Well, that's why I am here. My sole purpose. God give me strength. Its make or break!

Happy.

I felt happy after th longest time. I mean I do feel happy, but this was th kind of happiness that just had me smiling th moment I woke up. Even th gloomy weather didn't get to me. It feels nice to have this burden lifted off my shoulders for a brief moment. Th whole atmosphere at home is joyous and light. Its th kind of happiness that made me tear a bit, and my family too.

I wish time would stop. Lemme enjoy this a little bit more.

Stagnant.

Its tough when you see th world and all you get reminded is of where you'r stuck. Or where you've been stuck fr th past years. Its like one of th scenes of a movie, you'r at a standstill but th rest of th world is on and about. Days and nights pass but you'r rooted to th ground. Numb, scared, miserable. You can feel th confidence you once had slowly being sucked out, like how a sponge easily absorbs water. Th water is your confidence. Gradually you shut th world, no one can see you weak. No one.

It frustrates you having to hear what people has to say, 'You can do this. Don't worry.' Like fuck off already, its annoying. But no, you were just being nice, I'm sorry. Its like you'r soul is divided into two. They bicker constantly. Cats and dogs they say. One is desperately clinging on to th shredded pieces of hope, but a storm approaches. And all you have left is doubt, plunging your self esteem so deep you didn't know existed. They used to be one, but now I wait fr th day they reconcile.

Aren't you suppose to be used to things already? Th stagnancy of your life, that smile you fake, th fear you conceal so well. You've taken a blow before, haven't you? Another time shouldn't hurt. Will we ever be immune to such emotions? Disappointment, melancholy, failure.

I guess not.

21.

The legal age. The indication that you are now, officially an ‘adult’. Twenty-one.

When I was younger there was always this fuss about being ‘legal 21’. I imagined it to be a time where I would be strong, focused and independent. Maybe having a job even? But truth be told, I still feel like that lost and confused 16 year old girl I was five years ago. How can that not change? I mean like its five years gone already.

I don’t have a job. I am still studying my ass off. My parents nagging doesn’t seem to cease. I am not sure about my career. I can spend the whole afternoon just watching television and sleeping. How will I ever be successful?

Now that I am in my twenties, I feel like whatever comes my way I should be able to handle it. Be it being away from my family, heart breaks, facing life changing decisions or anything at all. I mean by now I should have the maturity, wisdom and the ability to take things in stride right? No, it’s not that simple. Reality check! Cuss well, it’s like tensions, stress and decisions on a whole new level. There are numerous moments where I have no idea which way to go. And then there is added pressure cuss if by any chance, I go the wrong direction, I’ll be lucky if I’m pardoned. Well I am no longer that minor who will be excused easily, am I?

Sigh! So much for looking forward to being 21. It gave me nothing but confusion and self doubt which eventually led to… hair loss. 

The unwanted zone, Friendzoned.

So you like this girl. Shes down to earth, pretty, a nice girl and all, and lucky for you, you both talk and have been for sometime. You know that she likes her fries soggy and she has a sweet tooth! You both share stuffs and are comfortable with each other. Friends is the equation you have w her, BUT that's all it will ever be.
Cuss what she also tells you is, when she thinks she likes this other boy. Baam! There you are, just another victim of being 'Friendzoned.' That aches, doesn't it? After all th efforts you put in to woo and impress her, you end up as just one of her "good guy friend." Yes, I have heard my friends complain about this too many times.

Hold on! It might not necessarily all that bad right? I mean after all something is better than nothing. Rather than just wondering if it woulda worked out w her, at least you tried innit? And theres more to being friendzoned than it appears to be. I aint no pro, but lemme enlighten you a little about what goes on in a girl's mind when she decides to put you in her 'Good guy friend' list. (I admit I do this alot. Haha!)

So,
1. She adores you.
Didn't see this one coming eh? Yes, believe it lads! She finds you sweet and funny. She enjoys your company and th comfort level that you guys have is beyond amazing. She likes you alot and if she wishes, it could be one helluva potential relationship.

Look at this image. This is exactly what I mean. She knows if you guys go down the road, you'll be lovers for sure. But thats where th denial comes in. It may be tempting but she's holding back.

Wait. Its not you, its her. There is probably some strong factor thats stopping her from falling any where near love w you and she's dead sure it will never work out w you in th future. Be it age/status/religious/family/health issues or whatever.

So th next best solution? Friendzoned!







2. She just went through a bad break up.

Lets face it. After a break up, we all have that notion "They are all th same". She's in that grieving period and anything close to dating would only cause her barf reflexes to act up. She's just being nice to not ignore you completely and have you as a friend. Again its not you, its her. Give her some time, stay friends w her but drop subtle hints along th way. Be patient w this one. And if it goes according to plan and she lets you in, Don't break her!

3. She's being friendzoned as well.

You talk to her about football, about the chicks you find hot, about how your night went w the boys and all the beers you chugged down. This time, its you boys. Not her. Have you ever thought maybe you'r the one friendzone-ing her? Don't get me wrong though, it is completely fine to tell her everything about you. But if you have something called 'feelings' fr her, why you hidin' dude? How in th world would she have any clue as to what goes in your head. Or heart for that matter. Damn, boys can be ambiguous I tell you. After that, then you can gauge where you stand on her friend-o-meter. Brace yourself.

4. She is clearly not into you.

Th down right obvious! You need a reality check if this never struck you. This one is where no matter how much hints you give her, how flirtatious you are, the number of times you tried to ask this girl out, it's always gonna be a 'No'. I hate to break to you honey, but she's clearly not into you. Atleast not romantically. My advice? Stop all the flirting, and act like a friend. If not you won't even be close to it.

See! I told you. Being friendzoned isn't all that bad is it? Some times its just th circumstances that moulds our thoughts. They might not apply to all of you but I hope it helps you get a better picture of why and how it comes about. Come to think of it, this could be in th case of boys as well. We get put in that zone too y'know! And even if it doesn't work out between you guys, keep em around cuss no one ever said having friends is harmful. Plus they know you inside out and you'll have one more person to count on.

Thanks fr reading y'all! :)