6 days...

It should be the 6th day today.

6 days of May but also, 6 days of wallowing in the excruciating headaches, regurgitating after every meal and having multiple meds daily. I always thought to myself wow, I am really lucky. I haven't caught a major illness even being away from home for this many years. Now was the time, my time. Damn it, I have been diagnosed with Typhoid and as a bonus, multiple infections in my other organs.

It sucks even more because I had been behaving. I hadn't taken one step outside our flat, eating home cooked food, studying at my pace. This isn't like me on the norm. Sigh it makes me sad when I think about it. Like this pretty much happens to me my whole life. Me being careful about a thing is directly proportional to that same thing slamming a big 'Take that Numa, you can't outrun me!' on my face. God it irritates me so much. Ugh.

One thing that surprised me was th overwhelming concern I received during this period. I get a 'Numa, getting better?' text on th daily. I was starting to think I am popular. Kidding, haha If you are an abroad student away from your family, I swear friends are all you got man. I can vouch this for all abroad students. So if your Mom calls you up and be like 'Stop always going out with your friends and stay home', do not listen to her. Because it is these friends who will pick you up when you fall sick. Mom can't catch an immediate flight, can she? Thats right, priorities.

Why am I hella sarcastic today?

Hello 2017.

We are twenty days into the new year. Damn, it feels like New Years Eve was just yesterday. Felt that bittersweet feeling as 2016 came to an end.  2016 was a good year for me. It opened my eyes to travelling and Manali was the perfect trigger. Next place I went to was Rishikesh, I will never forget euphoric feeling of swimming in the cold rivers during the excruciating summer of India. Mussorie was a bummer though, the weather was not our side. Nevertheless, three places in a year? I did not see this coming.

Last year I also got audit assignments of three different companies of various service industries. Took me a while, but I learnt that you have to voice out your opinions to your boss no matter how uncomfortable or nervous it makes you feel. I was so sick of doing the same type of work till one day I finally told my boss I’ve had it. It was then when I got allocated a different project. I feel more comfortable at office as compared to a year ago. Another plus point is, my Hindi has significantly improved. Everybody around me has noticed that. Like was I that bad before? Haha.

You know how they say love comes to you when you least expect it? Truly enough, I found love right under my nose. It was in front of me this entire time. Guys, I was talking about food. Haha, just kidding. It took me years to get to this point. I was so guarded and I had given up on boys. I pushed everyone away one too many times but he? He was always patient. Eventually, I gave in to my emotions. I am a human and human hearts melt when it receives constant affection. It was then when I realized I still have a heart.

2017 on the other hand, I feel is going to be a pretty rough year for me. With classes and work, in addition to being a senior in office, there is going to be more responsibilities. I won’t get much time for myself but the holiday calendar looks pretty promising, and it is my ray of hope for more travelling this year.

I was planning to post this on the last day of 2016, but procrastination is an evil I tell you. Bad start, Numa. Bad start.

This Constant Rush

It feels like the hours in my day has shortened. I am always in a rush. In a rush to class, to work, to return home. My frequency of skipping meals and having this constant lack of sleep has really increased. I sleep in the bus on my way to work, and today was the first time I nearly missed my stop. I overslept.

I can’t remember the last time I had a moment to myself. I am constantly surrounded by people, or rather noise. Classmates in the morning, colleagues in the afternoon, roommates in the evening. Not that I have anything against anyone, but there are times where I just want to be left alone. I enjoy my solitude. Not having to think about anyone else, just me and the quiet. There are days I want to divide myself into two. Wait, should it be multiply instead? Well, you get the picture. If there was two of me right now, one would be in the office blogging while the other would be catching up on much needed sleep, and they both would be very happy souls. Instead of cranky, like me.

In sickness and in health

I haven't been well for slightly more than a week now. The only time I have stepped out of the house is visits to the doc. For someone who rarely gets sick, I do not like this at all. I have already thought of investing in a wheelchair when I turn 40, so that I can still roam around and see the world if I ever get diagnosed with an illness that requires bed rest. *Touch wood*

To be honest, the first few days I was sick, it was excruciating for me. I remember falling asleep in between my silent sobs. I hate crying in public y'know? I don't like people seeing me weak. I don't want them to think I am this weak shit who can't handle a little pain. I don't want them to worry for me. The last thing I want to be is a burden to anyone. So I put this facade that I am doing well. That I am fine. I know I can pretend well for those who think they know me. They know I am 'strong'. But sometimes I ask myself, really am I? When I am sick, it takes one person to ask me in an affectionate tone 'Numa, are you okay?' and inside I would already be tearing up. 

I don't know why I am like this. I wasn't like this growing up. I was a cry baby during my childhood. I tell my friends, 'Listen, theres no shame is crying.' There is no shame in being vulnerable, is there? Its not that I don't, I cry too. But to myself. The only person I am fully comfortable enough to show my weaknesses and let my guard down is my sister. The one person I can go bawling my eyes out. Other than her, no one can see me weak. No one.

Thankfully, my Mom is here and is taking excellent care of me. She brings me food when I want, cooks whatever I want to eat. You know my Mom and me, we have a very non mush mush relationship. I can't recall the last time I said I love you to my Mom, or rather if I have ever said it at all. It hit me during this past week. I can be 24 or 64, but I guess I will always be 4 to her. I look at the way she has been caring for me and she has done it without a single complaint. It just makes me so damn emotional. I got tears in my eyes. Damn it.No one can beat the care of a Mother. Not your bestfriends, not your boyfriend and maybe not even my sister for that matter. Maybe this is just our way of saying we love each other. This is our love language. 

In sick and in health.

Angry rant.

One emotion that I really dislike is being angry. It brings out th worst in people. You've heard of the saying 'I was blinded by rage'. I think that is fuckinggg bull. How is that even possible? Not in my books.

See the thing is, I am someone who doesn’t really get angry, at most I might get annoyed or hangry* but that is about it. I am a Libra and I have read too many times that Librans are the least sign to get angry, unless you fucking screw up. I guess it is true in my case. The first thing I do when I get angry is to shut down. If I am silent, yes that is probably a sign. Y’know why? Because it scares me I might blurt out something really hurtful during that rush of emotions. This is why I fucking hate it when someone says ‘Oh I am sorry, I didn’t mean that. I said it because I was angry.’ Wow, really? Fuck you. The damage has been done. It’s like if criminals said that, would it justify all th wrong things they did? As convenient as it may seem, just cuss you are mad it doesn’t give you any right to be mean. PERIOD. Why. don’t. people. get. that? It is really that simple.

Another reason why I don’t like getting angry is because, I cry when I am mad. My voice will start cracking up, I will start tearing up right away. And I hate crying in public. It’s like when there’s people in front of me, I can be crying a river inside but I’d still behave normally. There had been occasions where I cried my eyeballs out in my flat, but none of my flatmates ever found out. I’d rather suppress and kill myself a bit than to let anyone see me cry. Yes, that’s how I detest crying in public.

Yesterday I got legit pissed after the longesttttt time. Fuck, I even raised my voice. Something which I rarely do nor like doing. No, I am not guilty for being mad. My reasons were sufficiently valid. It just goes to show how being angry brings out this nasty side of you and it makes me sad. If I had it my way, I wish no one pissed me off nor would I make anyone angry. Random thought though, if no one got mad at one another, how would that be like? Could the past three world wars have been avoided? Or would my parents have not grounded me and let me go to that party I really wanted to go to see my crush when I was 16? Maybe, just maybe.

Thank you reading! :)

*Hangry - so hungry to the point the point you get angry.

Tbh.

If I were to be honest with myself, the pages of my journal would be filled you.

The things you said, the songs you sang.

If I were to be honest with myself, I'd lose count of the number of times I thought of you.

First thing on my mind when I wake up, last thing before I go to bed and in between.

9 to 5, Monday to Friday.

So its near the end of May, and it is only my second post of 2016. Shame on you, Numa! Tbh, I had made it one of my new years resolution to blog more often. Well its just that I haven't had th blogging mood in a long time and I prefer not to put a post up just for th sake of posting. I don't really like it when I have to think hard about what to type next, as compared to the natural flow of words. It's a writer's thing. *flips hair* Kidding.

Work has resumed and it takes around an hour to one and a half hour for me to reach work. Usually you'll find me plugged to my earphones, head bobbin' up and down, mentally crushing the choreography of a Beyonce song. Along w that, travelling to and fro from home and office gives me a lot of time to think and reflect. A lot.

I observe all walks of life who are trapped in this 9-5 cycle. Yes you saw it right, I said 'trapped'. This is because I wonder how many of these people are truly and genuinely happy with their jobs. Are they really following their passions? Eventually after a brief judgement, it gets me thinking to where I am. See the one time I look forward to at work is... 6 PM*. The time when work ends, the time when I feel free again, the time of the day when I return to my place of solace. Isn't it ironic? Heading to work, just so you spend the entire day looking at the clock to return home? It got me thinking man. Deep shit and stuff. I wonder if I am made for this 9-5 life. Is this really passion? Or could it just be th engulfing waves of negativity and office politics that demotivates one?

Believe me when I say, at the age of 14, I had decided and was sure of pursuing accounts/finance. This was the reason that brought me to CA. I was driven initially, I did well. Initially being the key word here. Is it possible that maybe what you thought was your 'passion' isn't really it? Is it possible for that fire to extinguish as time passes? Can someone not have a passion after all? Many a times, I wonder what the fuck am I doing here in this hot as fuck place. Guys, its the heat making me swear and all. When th maximum temperature goes as high as 44-46 degree Celsius, a part of your brain is bound to get fucked up. Bear with me. 

Now in my defense. This is where the other half of my heart comes in. Even though I sulk and be this cranky ass beech at times, I have always, always believed in putting your 100% into what you put your heart into. Once you start something, complete it. Cuss if you didn't have enough faith in yourself to start something, you'd never have started in the first place. Faith is intense guys, it can take you places. I realised this when I participated in a pageant Miss Mongol. Forever grateful for this life lesson I picked up on.

I guess it could also be an OCD thing for me. *hides face* I do not like to leave things hanging y'know. Don't you get that nibbling feeling of anxiety knowing that you have some unfinished business? I DO. I rather complete that, and then move forward. Recently while studying for my examinations, I experienced this. I started a topic I hated, and it took me longer than usual to complete that chapter. It left me feeling pissed th entire day but eventually I finished it. Finished off that madafakka. *dusts hand, blows her gun* I can't help but put that in, I feel so badass. Hahaha.

Having said that, I am still in this journey. Never been a quitter and there is no reason for me to start now. I feel like I am re-discovering myself time and again. I ponder a lot about life, the future. Am I on the right track? Will I make it through? But these questions just remain questions. Life never gives us an immediate answer. Gradually maybe, but never instantaneously. Till then, one can only learn to enjoy their journey. Through the good and the bad.

Goodnight. And thank you reading! :)


*6pm- My office timings are 1030 to 6pm. I used 9-5 cuss well.. it is the standard working timings.