1: 7 billion

Some days I feel the concept of being with one person forever contradicts the fact that we live in a population of seven billion people. You never know who else you could connect with besides your significant other can you? We live in a generation where real and immediate connection is so rare that when you finally find it, we refuse to let it go. Is this why people cheat? I have seen and heard of numerous cases where someone is attracted to another while in a healthy relationship, at least at one point in their relationship. This is the part where my belief in love and loyalty just plummets to negative. It scares the shit out of me that this could happen to me too. Am I the only one who feels this way?

Expecations.

To be honest, I am so tired of not being able to meet expectations. I feel misunderstood alot of the times and it is tiring to constantly explain myself. I feel like every time I put myself out there, it is just not enough for people. When I say people, I mean kin not just random strangers. I find myself constantly looking for an escape, be it in travelling, going home or a person. What sucks is these are just temporary, after a while it is back to that cycle of emotions that I go through. I wish I was the kind of person who didn't give a rat's ass about what others thought of me. This is one quality I envy about my sister. I try to be this tough cookie, this bad ass, but deep down I am really just a softy. It bothers me so much when I know I am hurting someone else. What bothers me even more is, I know I have not made any mistake but I see them hurt and I just can't see them like that. I wish they would just understand what I am going through...

Hello 2018.

2017 is over, finally.

If there is one person who is glad that twenty seventeen is over, it is me. Man, it was a tough one.. I don’t know if I should go on and write about it, cuss who writes about sad stuff right? Well... one of my resolutions this year is to not give a fuck, so here goes.

The one thing that got me most is I fell ill alot this year. I can't remember the last time I have been without medication. It started with Typhiod around April. I was broken when I was diagnosed then. My exams were so close and I had been preparing for it diligently. It felt like my chances were being taken away right in front of me and I was just there, helpless. Gradually I recovered and was barely able to be present for the exams.

I headed back to Nepal for a break. Right after I came back, I fell ill again. This time it was Viral fever. I missed a week from work and classes. I had to take medicines again and got better. That same routine.

That wasn't it though. This time it was my skin. I started to get all these tiny bumps on my face and neck. I was a lost cause, I simply couldn't understand what was happening to my health. It got worst. I would wake up to a new zit everyday, I had boils on my face. People would ask me 'Numa, what happened?' squirming. Growing up, I never really had acne or any such problems and it got so bad to a point that I couldn't even look myself in the mirror. After some research, I visited a dermatologist. He prescribed me medicines. I looked at him and just broke down. I had enough, I was just fucking sick of taking all these pills. I was frustrated at the on going health problems. It was around October by then.

Around late November, I cried myself to sleep as I was scared about my body and health. Choosing not to get into detail, as you get th idea by now when I say I had a rough one. Of the three children, I am th one who falls sick th least. It felt 2017 was an absolute mockery, almost as if it was 'making up' for all th years I thought I was a healthy child.

Being ill not only meant extra expenses on medications, but I also missed out a lot on classes/work. On top of that, my class schedule also haywire as I had to retake them due to th change in syllabus. This meant a huge waste of my time and money. Anyone who is doing CA can vouch that time is of utmost importance to us.

Th last few days of 2017 were my visit to home. It was th one thing that I was in desperate need of. I didn't feel at home in Delhi. I felt alone. I wanted to run away, be far from negative energy. I wanted to forget I was Numa Kandangwa and th unhappiness she was engulfed with. I spent time with my friends and family there. Home was th perfect escape, perfect ending to 2017.

It is funny how we have this notion that a new year means a new beginning and things are going to be all right again. 2017 has really taught me that one can never be ready for adversities. They come unannounced and in unpredictable moments. This brings me to my 'resolution' 2018. We can't run, we can't hide so th next best thing to do would be to just breath and not give a fuck about anything.

Cheers.

6 days...

It should be the 6th day today.

6 days of May but also, 6 days of wallowing in the excruciating headaches, regurgitating after every meal and having multiple meds daily. I always thought to myself wow, I am really lucky. I haven't caught a major illness even being away from home for this many years. Now was the time, my time. Damn it, I have been diagnosed with Typhoid and as a bonus, multiple infections in my other organs.

It sucks even more because I had been behaving. I hadn't taken one step outside our flat, eating home cooked food, studying at my pace. This isn't like me on the norm. Sigh it makes me sad when I think about it. Like this pretty much happens to me my whole life. Me being careful about a thing is directly proportional to that same thing slamming a big 'Take that Numa, you can't outrun me!' on my face. God it irritates me so much. Ugh.

One thing that surprised me was th overwhelming concern I received during this period. I get a 'Numa, getting better?' text on th daily. I was starting to think I am popular. Kidding, haha If you are an abroad student away from your family, I swear friends are all you got man. I can vouch this for all abroad students. So if your Mom calls you up and be like 'Stop always going out with your friends and stay home', do not listen to her. Because it is these friends who will pick you up when you fall sick. Mom can't catch an immediate flight, can she? Thats right, priorities.

Why am I hella sarcastic today?

Hello 2017.

We are twenty days into the new year. Damn, it feels like New Years Eve was just yesterday. Felt that bittersweet feeling as 2016 came to an end.  2016 was a good year for me. It opened my eyes to travelling and Manali was the perfect trigger. Next place I went to was Rishikesh, I will never forget euphoric feeling of swimming in the cold rivers during the excruciating summer of India. Mussorie was a bummer though, the weather was not our side. Nevertheless, three places in a year? I did not see this coming.

Last year I also got audit assignments of three different companies of various service industries. Took me a while, but I learnt that you have to voice out your opinions to your boss no matter how uncomfortable or nervous it makes you feel. I was so sick of doing the same type of work till one day I finally told my boss I’ve had it. It was then when I got allocated a different project. I feel more comfortable at office as compared to a year ago. Another plus point is, my Hindi has significantly improved. Everybody around me has noticed that. Like was I that bad before? Haha.

You know how they say love comes to you when you least expect it? Truly enough, I found love right under my nose. It was in front of me this entire time. Guys, I was talking about food. Haha, just kidding. It took me years to get to this point. I was so guarded and I had given up on boys. I pushed everyone away one too many times but he? He was always patient. Eventually, I gave in to my emotions. I am a human and human hearts melt when it receives constant affection. It was then when I realized I still have a heart.

2017 on the other hand, I feel is going to be a pretty rough year for me. With classes and work, in addition to being a senior in office, there is going to be more responsibilities. I won’t get much time for myself but the holiday calendar looks pretty promising, and it is my ray of hope for more travelling this year.

I was planning to post this on the last day of 2016, but procrastination is an evil I tell you. Bad start, Numa. Bad start.

This Constant Rush

It feels like the hours in my day has shortened. I am always in a rush. In a rush to class, to work, to return home. My frequency of skipping meals and having this constant lack of sleep has really increased. I sleep in the bus on my way to work, and today was the first time I nearly missed my stop. I overslept.

I can’t remember the last time I had a moment to myself. I am constantly surrounded by people, or rather noise. Classmates in the morning, colleagues in the afternoon, roommates in the evening. Not that I have anything against anyone, but there are times where I just want to be left alone. I enjoy my solitude. Not having to think about anyone else, just me and the quiet. There are days I want to divide myself into two. Wait, should it be multiply instead? Well, you get the picture. If there was two of me right now, one would be in the office blogging while the other would be catching up on much needed sleep, and they both would be very happy souls. Instead of cranky, like me.

In sickness and in health

I haven't been well for slightly more than a week now. The only time I have stepped out of the house is visits to the doc. For someone who rarely gets sick, I do not like this at all. I have already thought of investing in a wheelchair when I turn 40, so that I can still roam around and see the world if I ever get diagnosed with an illness that requires bed rest. *Touch wood*

To be honest, the first few days I was sick, it was excruciating for me. I remember falling asleep in between my silent sobs. I hate crying in public y'know? I don't like people seeing me weak. I don't want them to think I am this weak shit who can't handle a little pain. I don't want them to worry for me. The last thing I want to be is a burden to anyone. So I put this facade that I am doing well. That I am fine. I know I can pretend well for those who think they know me. They know I am 'strong'. But sometimes I ask myself, really am I? When I am sick, it takes one person to ask me in an affectionate tone 'Numa, are you okay?' and inside I would already be tearing up. 

I don't know why I am like this. I wasn't like this growing up. I was a cry baby during my childhood. I tell my friends, 'Listen, theres no shame is crying.' There is no shame in being vulnerable, is there? Its not that I don't, I cry too. But to myself. The only person I am fully comfortable enough to show my weaknesses and let my guard down is my sister. The one person I can go bawling my eyes out. Other than her, no one can see me weak. No one.

Thankfully, my Mom is here and is taking excellent care of me. She brings me food when I want, cooks whatever I want to eat. You know my Mom and me, we have a very non mush mush relationship. I can't recall the last time I said I love you to my Mom, or rather if I have ever said it at all. It hit me during this past week. I can be 24 or 64, but I guess I will always be 4 to her. I look at the way she has been caring for me and she has done it without a single complaint. It just makes me so damn emotional. I got tears in my eyes. Damn it.No one can beat the care of a Mother. Not your bestfriends, not your boyfriend and maybe not even my sister for that matter. Maybe this is just our way of saying we love each other. This is our love language. 

In sick and in health.