October.

Hiiiiii October! So yes, October is finally here. I enjoy this month. Its my birth month, Nepal's major festivals happen to fall in this month, it's also a month where th weather is just right. Neither cold nor hot, just cool breezes. Work had also been a pain in th ass all thru September with all th statutory due dates in that month. Man, the work load. It would be 9pm by th time I returned home. Lastly, I have th first four days of this month off from work. So yea, that is th list of why I am rather elated its October.

Life's has been pretty mundane lately. It is the same routine of wake up- work- home- dinner- struggle to study- give up- sleep. 5 weeks have already passed since I started work and to be honest, I feel out of place thr. It puzzles me because I've never had a problem with meeting new people and just adjusting to new environment. Sure I'd rather stay in my comfort zone anyday, but I know if I have to step out of it, I will. I don't know why but I feel like I just don't belong thr man, y'know? Heck. I hope as time passes, I'll grow to feel comfortable and actually enjoy going to work.

Good day, y'all!

Back to reality.

So I am back in Delhi. I had such a wonderful vacation this time. Well... I didn't really do anything productive. It was more of catching up with old friends. The simple joys of meeting up, catching up and just talking about all th things that we've missed on each others years. The comfort level is still there, the same inside jokes and it gives me this warm feeling. That familiarity.

Being away from home and all alone, returning here always reminds me its back to reality. A long and winding road ahead of me. It reminds of th journey that I still have yet to complete. I'm a grown up now, I am at that age where I ought to be building my career. Well, that's why I am here. My sole purpose. God give me strength. Its make or break!

Happy.

I felt happy after th longest time. I mean I do feel happy, but this was th kind of happiness that just had me smiling th moment I woke up. Even th gloomy weather didn't get to me. It feels nice to have this burden lifted off my shoulders for a brief moment. Th whole atmosphere at home is joyous and light. Its th kind of happiness that made me tear a bit, and my family too.

I wish time would stop. Lemme enjoy this a little bit more.

Stagnant.

Its tough when you see th world and all you get reminded is of where you'r stuck. Or where you've been stuck fr th past years. Its like one of th scenes of a movie, you'r at a standstill but th rest of th world is on and about. Days and nights pass but you'r rooted to th ground. Numb, scared, miserable. You can feel th confidence you once had slowly being sucked out, like how a sponge easily absorbs water. Th water is your confidence. Gradually you shut th world, no one can see you weak. No one.

It frustrates you having to hear what people has to say, 'You can do this. Don't worry.' Like fuck off already, its annoying. But no, you were just being nice, I'm sorry. Its like you'r soul is divided into two. They bicker constantly. Cats and dogs they say. One is desperately clinging on to th shredded pieces of hope, but a storm approaches. And all you have left is doubt, plunging your self esteem so deep you didn't know existed. They used to be one, but now I wait fr th day they reconcile.

Aren't you suppose to be used to things already? Th stagnancy of your life, that smile you fake, th fear you conceal so well. You've taken a blow before, haven't you? Another time shouldn't hurt. Will we ever be immune to such emotions? Disappointment, melancholy, failure.

I guess not.