This Constant Rush

It feels like the hours in my day has shortened. I am always in a rush. In a rush to class, to work, to return home. My frequency of skipping meals and having this constant lack of sleep has really increased. I sleep in the bus on my way to work, and today was the first time I nearly missed my stop. I overslept.

I can’t remember the last time I had a moment to myself. I am constantly surrounded by people, or rather noise. Classmates in the morning, colleagues in the afternoon, roommates in the evening. Not that I have anything against anyone, but there are times where I just want to be left alone. I enjoy my solitude. Not having to think about anyone else, just me and the quiet. There are days I want to divide myself into two. Wait, should it be multiply instead? Well, you get the picture. If there was two of me right now, one would be in the office blogging while the other would be catching up on much needed sleep, and they both would be very happy souls. Instead of cranky, like me.

In sickness and in health

I haven't been well for slightly more than a week now. The only time I have stepped out of the house is visits to the doc. For someone who rarely gets sick, I do not like this at all. I have already thought of investing in a wheelchair when I turn 40, so that I can still roam around and see the world if I ever get diagnosed with an illness that requires bed rest. *Touch wood*

To be honest, the first few days I was sick, it was excruciating for me. I remember falling asleep in between my silent sobs. I hate crying in public y'know? I don't like people seeing me weak. I don't want them to think I am this weak shit who can't handle a little pain. I don't want them to worry for me. The last thing I want to be is a burden to anyone. So I put this facade that I am doing well. That I am fine. I know I can pretend well for those who think they know me. They know I am 'strong'. But sometimes I ask myself, really am I? When I am sick, it takes one person to ask me in an affectionate tone 'Numa, are you okay?' and inside I would already be tearing up. 

I don't know why I am like this. I wasn't like this growing up. I was a cry baby during my childhood. I tell my friends, 'Listen, theres no shame is crying.' There is no shame in being vulnerable, is there? Its not that I don't, I cry too. But to myself. The only person I am fully comfortable enough to show my weaknesses and let my guard down is my sister. The one person I can go bawling my eyes out. Other than her, no one can see me weak. No one.

Thankfully, my Mom is here and is taking excellent care of me. She brings me food when I want, cooks whatever I want to eat. You know my Mom and me, we have a very non mush mush relationship. I can't recall the last time I said I love you to my Mom, or rather if I have ever said it at all. It hit me during this past week. I can be 24 or 64, but I guess I will always be 4 to her. I look at the way she has been caring for me and she has done it without a single complaint. It just makes me so damn emotional. I got tears in my eyes. Damn it.No one can beat the care of a Mother. Not your bestfriends, not your boyfriend and maybe not even my sister for that matter. Maybe this is just our way of saying we love each other. This is our love language. 

In sick and in health.

Angry rant.

One emotion that I really dislike is being angry. It brings out th worst in people. You've heard of the saying 'I was blinded by rage'. I think that is fuckinggg bull. How is that even possible? Not in my books.

See the thing is, I am someone who doesn’t really get angry, at most I might get annoyed or hangry* but that is about it. I am a Libra and I have read too many times that Librans are the least sign to get angry, unless you fucking screw up. I guess it is true in my case. The first thing I do when I get angry is to shut down. If I am silent, yes that is probably a sign. Y’know why? Because it scares me I might blurt out something really hurtful during that rush of emotions. This is why I fucking hate it when someone says ‘Oh I am sorry, I didn’t mean that. I said it because I was angry.’ Wow, really? Fuck you. The damage has been done. It’s like if criminals said that, would it justify all th wrong things they did? As convenient as it may seem, just cuss you are mad it doesn’t give you any right to be mean. PERIOD. Why. don’t. people. get. that? It is really that simple.

Another reason why I don’t like getting angry is because, I cry when I am mad. My voice will start cracking up, I will start tearing up right away. And I hate crying in public. It’s like when there’s people in front of me, I can be crying a river inside but I’d still behave normally. There had been occasions where I cried my eyeballs out in my flat, but none of my flatmates ever found out. I’d rather suppress and kill myself a bit than to let anyone see me cry. Yes, that’s how I detest crying in public.

Yesterday I got legit pissed after the longesttttt time. Fuck, I even raised my voice. Something which I rarely do nor like doing. No, I am not guilty for being mad. My reasons were sufficiently valid. It just goes to show how being angry brings out this nasty side of you and it makes me sad. If I had it my way, I wish no one pissed me off nor would I make anyone angry. Random thought though, if no one got mad at one another, how would that be like? Could the past three world wars have been avoided? Or would my parents have not grounded me and let me go to that party I really wanted to go to see my crush when I was 16? Maybe, just maybe.

Thank you reading! :)

*Hangry - so hungry to the point the point you get angry.

Tbh.

If I were to be honest with myself, the pages of my journal would be filled you.

The things you said, the songs you sang.

If I were to be honest with myself, I'd lose count of the number of times I thought of you.

First thing on my mind when I wake up, last thing before I go to bed and in between.

9 to 5, Monday to Friday.

So its near the end of May, and it is only my second post of 2016. Shame on you, Numa! Tbh, I had made it one of my new years resolution to blog more often. Well its just that I haven't had th blogging mood in a long time and I prefer not to put a post up just for th sake of posting. I don't really like it when I have to think hard about what to type next, as compared to the natural flow of words. It's a writer's thing. *flips hair* Kidding.

Work has resumed and it takes around an hour to one and a half hour for me to reach work. Usually you'll find me plugged to my earphones, head bobbin' up and down, mentally crushing the choreography of a Beyonce song. Along w that, travelling to and fro from home and office gives me a lot of time to think and reflect. A lot.

I observe all walks of life who are trapped in this 9-5 cycle. Yes you saw it right, I said 'trapped'. This is because I wonder how many of these people are truly and genuinely happy with their jobs. Are they really following their passions? Eventually after a brief judgement, it gets me thinking to where I am. See the one time I look forward to at work is... 6 PM*. The time when work ends, the time when I feel free again, the time of the day when I return to my place of solace. Isn't it ironic? Heading to work, just so you spend the entire day looking at the clock to return home? It got me thinking man. Deep shit and stuff. I wonder if I am made for this 9-5 life. Is this really passion? Or could it just be th engulfing waves of negativity and office politics that demotivates one?

Believe me when I say, at the age of 14, I had decided and was sure of pursuing accounts/finance. This was the reason that brought me to CA. I was driven initially, I did well. Initially being the key word here. Is it possible that maybe what you thought was your 'passion' isn't really it? Is it possible for that fire to extinguish as time passes? Can someone not have a passion after all? Many a times, I wonder what the fuck am I doing here in this hot as fuck place. Guys, its the heat making me swear and all. When th maximum temperature goes as high as 44-46 degree Celsius, a part of your brain is bound to get fucked up. Bear with me. 

Now in my defense. This is where the other half of my heart comes in. Even though I sulk and be this cranky ass beech at times, I have always, always believed in putting your 100% into what you put your heart into. Once you start something, complete it. Cuss if you didn't have enough faith in yourself to start something, you'd never have started in the first place. Faith is intense guys, it can take you places. I realised this when I participated in a pageant Miss Mongol. Forever grateful for this life lesson I picked up on.

I guess it could also be an OCD thing for me. *hides face* I do not like to leave things hanging y'know. Don't you get that nibbling feeling of anxiety knowing that you have some unfinished business? I DO. I rather complete that, and then move forward. Recently while studying for my examinations, I experienced this. I started a topic I hated, and it took me longer than usual to complete that chapter. It left me feeling pissed th entire day but eventually I finished it. Finished off that madafakka. *dusts hand, blows her gun* I can't help but put that in, I feel so badass. Hahaha.

Having said that, I am still in this journey. Never been a quitter and there is no reason for me to start now. I feel like I am re-discovering myself time and again. I ponder a lot about life, the future. Am I on the right track? Will I make it through? But these questions just remain questions. Life never gives us an immediate answer. Gradually maybe, but never instantaneously. Till then, one can only learn to enjoy their journey. Through the good and the bad.

Goodnight. And thank you reading! :)


*6pm- My office timings are 1030 to 6pm. I used 9-5 cuss well.. it is the standard working timings.

The Heart vs The Mind.

My life has been a constant battle between the heart and mind. I am what you call a typical Libran i.e indecisive af. The simplest of tasks can send me to a whirlwind of dilemmas. "Should I wash my hair today or tomorrow?", "Should I have tea or dinner?", "Hmmm... will this shirt match with the rest of the clothes I have in my closet?" You get th picture. It is a daunting task for me to decide between my two vital organs. There are times where I literally write up a list of pros and cons, in hopes of getting closer to a decision. Quite often, I find myself feeling envious of people who can make up their minds in the speed of light. Like how do y'all do thattttt?! Well, most times the answer would be to 'follow your heart'.

Okay be honest, that was cliché af innit? But it got me thinking and I guess that is where the problem lies. I am someone who uses her mind more than her heart. I believe in practicality, I believe in planning and I believe in consequences. It can’t be just me who gets off being prepared for what’s next, can it? I feel calm and at ease knowing that I have prepared for the next day.

My question is why can’t our hearts and mind be on the same page? I can’t vouch for others, but I experience this a lot. If I go with my head, I am choosing logic. I am going for what is right. However if I go with my heart, I am choosing happiness. This is what I want and not need. For example: You fall for someone who is loyal and sweet and all that you want in your partner. But if there is no future with this person, would you want to continue the relationship you have with him? You might be crazy Romeo-Juliet kinda in love with this guy and you’re engulfed with euphoria when he’s around. Think about this once, till when is this happiness going to last?

I think about this a lot, constantly searching for solutions like it is a mathematics problem. What would be the right thing to do? Not this example, but all that we ever come across in life. Is it going to be logic over happiness, need over want? I wish I knew the answers but I am just another soul lost in her thoughts, buried in her own sand of perplexities.