9 to 5, Monday to Friday.

So its near the end of May, and it is only my second post of 2016. Shame on you, Numa! Tbh, I had made it one of my new years resolution to blog more often. Well its just that I haven't had th blogging mood in a long time and I prefer not to put a post up just for th sake of posting. I don't really like it when I have to think hard about what to type next, as compared to the natural flow of words. It's a writer's thing. *flips hair* Kidding.

Work has resumed and it takes around an hour to one and a half hour for me to reach work. Usually you'll find me plugged to my earphones, head bobbin' up and down, mentally crushing the choreography of a Beyonce song. Along w that, travelling to and fro from home and office gives me a lot of time to think and reflect. A lot.

I observe all walks of life who are trapped in this 9-5 cycle. Yes you saw it right, I said 'trapped'. This is because I wonder how many of these people are truly and genuinely happy with their jobs. Are they really following their passions? Eventually after a brief judgement, it gets me thinking to where I am. See the one time I look forward to at work is... 6 PM*. The time when work ends, the time when I feel free again, the time of the day when I return to my place of solace. Isn't it ironic? Heading to work, just so you spend the entire day looking at the clock to return home? It got me thinking man. Deep shit and stuff. I wonder if I am made for this 9-5 life. Is this really passion? Or could it just be th engulfing waves of negativity and office politics that demotivates one?

Believe me when I say, at the age of 14, I had decided and was sure of pursuing accounts/finance. This was the reason that brought me to CA. I was driven initially, I did well. Initially being the key word here. Is it possible that maybe what you thought was your 'passion' isn't really it? Is it possible for that fire to extinguish as time passes? Can someone not have a passion after all? Many a times, I wonder what the fuck am I doing here in this hot as fuck place. Guys, its the heat making me swear and all. When th maximum temperature goes as high as 44-46 degree Celsius, a part of your brain is bound to get fucked up. Bear with me. 

Now in my defense. This is where the other half of my heart comes in. Even though I sulk and be this cranky ass beech at times, I have always, always believed in putting your 100% into what you put your heart into. Once you start something, complete it. Cuss if you didn't have enough faith in yourself to start something, you'd never have started in the first place. Faith is intense guys, it can take you places. I realised this when I participated in a pageant Miss Mongol. Forever grateful for this life lesson I picked up on.

I guess it could also be an OCD thing for me. *hides face* I do not like to leave things hanging y'know. Don't you get that nibbling feeling of anxiety knowing that you have some unfinished business? I DO. I rather complete that, and then move forward. Recently while studying for my examinations, I experienced this. I started a topic I hated, and it took me longer than usual to complete that chapter. It left me feeling pissed th entire day but eventually I finished it. Finished off that madafakka. *dusts hand, blows her gun* I can't help but put that in, I feel so badass. Hahaha.

Having said that, I am still in this journey. Never been a quitter and there is no reason for me to start now. I feel like I am re-discovering myself time and again. I ponder a lot about life, the future. Am I on the right track? Will I make it through? But these questions just remain questions. Life never gives us an immediate answer. Gradually maybe, but never instantaneously. Till then, one can only learn to enjoy their journey. Through the good and the bad.

Goodnight. And thank you reading! :)


*6pm- My office timings are 1030 to 6pm. I used 9-5 cuss well.. it is the standard working timings.

The Heart vs The Mind.

My life has been a constant battle between the heart and mind. I am what you call a typical Libran i.e indecisive af. The simplest of tasks can send me to a whirlwind of dilemmas. "Should I wash my hair today or tomorrow?", "Should I have tea or dinner?", "Hmmm... will this shirt match with the rest of the clothes I have in my closet?" You get th picture. It is a daunting task for me to decide between my two vital organs. There are times where I literally write up a list of pros and cons, in hopes of getting closer to a decision. Quite often, I find myself feeling envious of people who can make up their minds in the speed of light. Like how do y'all do thattttt?! Well, most times the answer would be to 'follow your heart'.

Okay be honest, that was cliché af innit? But it got me thinking and I guess that is where the problem lies. I am someone who uses her mind more than her heart. I believe in practicality, I believe in planning and I believe in consequences. It can’t be just me who gets off being prepared for what’s next, can it? I feel calm and at ease knowing that I have prepared for the next day.

My question is why can’t our hearts and mind be on the same page? I can’t vouch for others, but I experience this a lot. If I go with my head, I am choosing logic. I am going for what is right. However if I go with my heart, I am choosing happiness. This is what I want and not need. For example: You fall for someone who is loyal and sweet and all that you want in your partner. But if there is no future with this person, would you want to continue the relationship you have with him? You might be crazy Romeo-Juliet kinda in love with this guy and you’re engulfed with euphoria when he’s around. Think about this once, till when is this happiness going to last?

I think about this a lot, constantly searching for solutions like it is a mathematics problem. What would be the right thing to do? Not this example, but all that we ever come across in life. Is it going to be logic over happiness, need over want? I wish I knew the answers but I am just another soul lost in her thoughts, buried in her own sand of perplexities.

October.

Hiiiiii October! So yes, October is finally here. I enjoy this month. Its my birth month, Nepal's major festivals happen to fall in this month, it's also a month where th weather is just right. Neither cold nor hot, just cool breezes. Work had also been a pain in th ass all thru September with all th statutory due dates in that month. Man, the work load. It would be 9pm by th time I returned home. Lastly, I have th first four days of this month off from work. So yea, that is th list of why I am rather elated its October.

Life's has been pretty mundane lately. It is the same routine of wake up- work- home- dinner- struggle to study- give up- sleep. 5 weeks have already passed since I started work and to be honest, I feel out of place thr. It puzzles me because I've never had a problem with meeting new people and just adjusting to new environment. Sure I'd rather stay in my comfort zone anyday, but I know if I have to step out of it, I will. I don't know why but I feel like I just don't belong thr man, y'know? Heck. I hope as time passes, I'll grow to feel comfortable and actually enjoy going to work.

Good day, y'all!

Back to reality.

So I am back in Delhi. I had such a wonderful vacation this time. Well... I didn't really do anything productive. It was more of catching up with old friends. The simple joys of meeting up, catching up and just talking about all th things that we've missed on each others years. The comfort level is still there, the same inside jokes and it gives me this warm feeling. That familiarity.

Being away from home and all alone, returning here always reminds me its back to reality. A long and winding road ahead of me. It reminds of th journey that I still have yet to complete. I'm a grown up now, I am at that age where I ought to be building my career. Well, that's why I am here. My sole purpose. God give me strength. Its make or break!

Happy.

I felt happy after th longest time. I mean I do feel happy, but this was th kind of happiness that just had me smiling th moment I woke up. Even th gloomy weather didn't get to me. It feels nice to have this burden lifted off my shoulders for a brief moment. Th whole atmosphere at home is joyous and light. Its th kind of happiness that made me tear a bit, and my family too.

I wish time would stop. Lemme enjoy this a little bit more.

Stagnant.

Its tough when you see th world and all you get reminded is of where you'r stuck. Or where you've been stuck fr th past years. Its like one of th scenes of a movie, you'r at a standstill but th rest of th world is on and about. Days and nights pass but you'r rooted to th ground. Numb, scared, miserable. You can feel th confidence you once had slowly being sucked out, like how a sponge easily absorbs water. Th water is your confidence. Gradually you shut th world, no one can see you weak. No one.

It frustrates you having to hear what people has to say, 'You can do this. Don't worry.' Like fuck off already, its annoying. But no, you were just being nice, I'm sorry. Its like you'r soul is divided into two. They bicker constantly. Cats and dogs they say. One is desperately clinging on to th shredded pieces of hope, but a storm approaches. And all you have left is doubt, plunging your self esteem so deep you didn't know existed. They used to be one, but now I wait fr th day they reconcile.

Aren't you suppose to be used to things already? Th stagnancy of your life, that smile you fake, th fear you conceal so well. You've taken a blow before, haven't you? Another time shouldn't hurt. Will we ever be immune to such emotions? Disappointment, melancholy, failure.

I guess not.

21.

The legal age. The indication that you are now, officially an ‘adult’. Twenty-one.

When I was younger there was always this fuss about being ‘legal 21’. I imagined it to be a time where I would be strong, focused and independent. Maybe having a job even? But truth be told, I still feel like that lost and confused 16 year old girl I was five years ago. How can that not change? I mean like its five years gone already.

I don’t have a job. I am still studying my ass off. My parents nagging doesn’t seem to cease. I am not sure about my career. I can spend the whole afternoon just watching television and sleeping. How will I ever be successful?

Now that I am in my twenties, I feel like whatever comes my way I should be able to handle it. Be it being away from my family, heart breaks, facing life changing decisions or anything at all. I mean by now I should have the maturity, wisdom and the ability to take things in stride right? No, it’s not that simple. Reality check! Cuss well, it’s like tensions, stress and decisions on a whole new level. There are numerous moments where I have no idea which way to go. And then there is added pressure cuss if by any chance, I go the wrong direction, I’ll be lucky if I’m pardoned. Well I am no longer that minor who will be excused easily, am I?

Sigh! So much for looking forward to being 21. It gave me nothing but confusion and self doubt which eventually led to… hair loss.